material pangs part 5: The last fight

continuing on from material pangs part 4:

We have all been through these thought processes at some time in our lives, but it is those who have the courage to go deeper into the depths of our deepest fears. Trying to let go of the seemingly solid reality that we so firmly grasp to, to go beyond the surface of things and find a deeper truth.

I looked at this path contemplating it for many years, it is a scary path one that appears very difficult, but I looked back at the world, my friends, my family, my leaders and my teachers and they had nothing but emptiness and false hope to offer. Fleeting happiness, and pain-filled lives. Grabbing the closest comfortable thing that gives them a sense of warmth, love, life and peace. But to no avail as the very nature of that comfort is only temporary, but they try! they try so hard only to find tears and if not tears then a hard, cold-heart! mistaking it as strength or indifference. You know the saying "what ever mate".
Concreting that belief as the all in all they set in a program that will destroy all that they love. Base on selfish ideals they pose they care but just like their lives their caring only can go skin deep, they can't help it! lost to their senses blinded by lust. Then they say follow, come and follow us, with all their gadgets and nice shiny things the temptation is great and overwhelming. But sorry mate I see where your going! like a dog chasing its own tail round and round you go, you fail to see the pointlessness of it all. Banging your heads hard against the walls you cry out in ecstasy, thinking "this is great" not seeing the miseries coming to you by action-al fait. I thought i rebelled against them by taking intoxication not seeing i had become what I hated, so I stop and looked and ask where was I headed.

So there is only one way to go now and that is searching for a deeper truth, to look in the mirror and face my own ugliness, my own monsters. To go deep into the question people don't want to ask, and listening to the answers people don't want to hear! So where do I look? where do I go? Through the martial arts I had found philosophy and philosophy was where I started. All kinds from the east to the west, covering science, religion, art and poetry. And wow! so much knowledge so much information all I had to do was "want" to look. There is no going back now there is nothing to go back to. The question is where am I going?