material pangs part 5: The last fight

continuing on from material pangs part 4:

We have all been through these thought processes at some time in our lives, but it is those who have the courage to go deeper into the depths of our deepest fears. Trying to let go of the seemingly solid reality that we so firmly grasp to, to go beyond the surface of things and find a deeper truth.

I looked at this path contemplating it for many years, it is a scary path one that appears very difficult, but I looked back at the world, my friends, my family, my leaders and my teachers and they had nothing but emptiness and false hope to offer. Fleeting happiness, and pain-filled lives. Grabbing the closest comfortable thing that gives them a sense of warmth, love, life and peace. But to no avail as the very nature of that comfort is only temporary, but they try! they try so hard only to find tears and if not tears then a hard, cold-heart! mistaking it as strength or indifference. You know the saying "what ever mate".
Concreting that belief as the all in all they set in a program that will destroy all that they love. Base on selfish ideals they pose they care but just like their lives their caring only can go skin deep, they can't help it! lost to their senses blinded by lust. Then they say follow, come and follow us, with all their gadgets and nice shiny things the temptation is great and overwhelming. But sorry mate I see where your going! like a dog chasing its own tail round and round you go, you fail to see the pointlessness of it all. Banging your heads hard against the walls you cry out in ecstasy, thinking "this is great" not seeing the miseries coming to you by action-al fait. I thought i rebelled against them by taking intoxication not seeing i had become what I hated, so I stop and looked and ask where was I headed.

So there is only one way to go now and that is searching for a deeper truth, to look in the mirror and face my own ugliness, my own monsters. To go deep into the question people don't want to ask, and listening to the answers people don't want to hear! So where do I look? where do I go? Through the martial arts I had found philosophy and philosophy was where I started. All kinds from the east to the west, covering science, religion, art and poetry. And wow! so much knowledge so much information all I had to do was "want" to look. There is no going back now there is nothing to go back to. The question is where am I going?

The demons within

In this age it is said that the divine and demoniac are contain in one body, and their is a struggle from within. In the past few weeks I can say that this is true although I have seen and been through this fight many times before. This time however being a little "older", with just a little bit of spiritual association and practice I can see my sort falls with the help of others.
I have become overly judgmental and overly critical of other spirit souls, judging their behavior and actions and criticizing their point of view. In the end I have fed that demoniac nature where all this spouts from in the first place, whether devotee's, "devotee's" or non devotee's this attitude towards others is a pit fall on this path back to Godhead.
So I have been pondering where and why do I feel and think this way, asking my self question like "do I really envy others"? "do I really think my self that much better then them"? do I really care for the well fare of these living servants of God? My answer has to equal yes to the first two and no to the last one.

But this last question is what I have been thinking about for a while now "do I really care for these servants of God" ? The greater part say's yes! then why do my actions not fit into into this answer?. Over the past few months I have been getting colder more inconsiderate and more intolerable to others their feeling and where they are at. WHY? when I am on this path of Bhakti Yoga ["loving devotional" service to krishna]. Where is the love for God and all that is his? "in my judgment"? "in my criticizing"?
The very nature of these things does not come from love but envy. It must be envy! envy so deep in my heart that these two factors are the outwards manifestation pointing to the reality inside. This demon from within is only strong because I desired it so and with the same tool "desire" it can be crushed, for if I desire Krishna and nothing but Krishna then automatically my demons will be crushed. Now the question is do I really desire Krishna??? "I would say yes" maybe thats why I'm going through all of this inner fight? is this the process the beginnings of the fight to destroy my illusory coverings. Only time will tell! Honestly I know these are traits I really do not want in my life.