For the past year since around march, I have been sitting in a silent observation of my own character and its evolution since becoming a devotee all the while also observing the interaction between karmis/devotee/other person searching for God.
Before I came to Krishna consciousness I followed a buddhist path, trying to follow one of peace and compassion using martial arts to control my mind and senses, and deep qigong mediation
that would bring my heart and soul peace!
Then I found the Bhagavad-gita and Srila Prabhupada, it filled all those missing parts I so long to fill. like who was god, What the hell am i doing here. The vedas answered all these deep question. And it left me profound!!!
I now sit after 5 years of trying to become a Devotee in the deepest of contemplation observing my very nature my mind and senses and the struggle within that I have been fighting since forever! And I do not like what I see, It is as through my heart has grown darker, my mind numb it seems I have gone backwards. I have been talking to god since I was a child [not that he answer back loudly] asking him what life was about, asking him what I needed to do! It has lead me here with all the knowledge I was seeking. Now I have the knowledge but My heart has gone black and empty echoing sarcasm from high school years and a hatred of all those who are not looking deeply enough!
I see and feel the "inability" to be honest, truthful and open. To share and really care for all living entities and the strength to trust and surrender my whole self. In-fact I feel high school again those days of bullies and having to prove your self, of superficial roles, idle gossip and a judgmental tone. And it is all coming from within me!!!!
I have taken a wrong turn somewhere, and I feel what little connection I had with God is now flickering even as I chant my sixteen rounds..... I use to really believe in loving one another and that finding God meant caring for all others, Spiritually and materially. I know Srila Prabhupada mission is real, but something has gone very very wrong, "for Me" I am done! It is time to change...
Hare Krishna
